The Blog of kittenhasawhip

My laptop is on the fritz. I can't be here for a while. I'm tired of dealing with it and life is too short to get upset over something stupid. I'll be back next year sometime,I don't know when. Most likely in a few weeks. See ya 'til then.

Kitten.

It's the most wonderful feeling in the world!! Yes! I'm having another Dell moment!  My Dell laptop has been locking up, crashing, slooowing dooown to a snails pace and generally laughing at me behind that evil screen.  And now it has a start up problem!!!WFT?????. Windows has gone berserk! My husband brought it to work and had the computer tech guy look at it. He "fixed' it.. Uhuh....... It's even worse! Sooooooo....I'm using my husbands laptop. Weeeeellll. His has a whole new set of problems. For one thing, every time a neighbor logs onto THEIR wireless, OUR wireless goes down!!! Again,WTF??? Strange, yes, but I have been watching it and it has happened many times!! Now Internet Explorer keep crashing. It shut down four times in the last hour! Just when I hit SEND it goes wacky and then zippo! I have only so much patience and so much time before I do a meltdown. I feel myself reaching critical mass right now. (did I mention I hate computers?) It's true. The core temperature of my liquid mass has almost reached the boiling point!! What the.... I mean how... why....I ... AAAHHHHHCCCCKKKK!

So I may vanish. If that happens, everyone have a fantastic Christmas and New Year. If you don't celebrate Christmas, then that greeting wasn't for you, so don't get yer shorts in a knot. I'm just wishing my fellow Christians warm regards. Gee, you have to put disclaimers in everything these days! Why is everybody so sensitive?

Soooo I'm done fighting the Battle of the Dell. I think I lost this one anyway.  Be good or I'll sic the PC gremlins on you.

Till we meet again!!Janet!

Lets all have fun and get along! Life is too short to piss and moan all day!!

I think I'll have another drink.....

Many of my EP friends are gone. It sucks. I don't hear from them anymore and I'm just waiting for the day when their profile will be gone. It's part of the process. I know. I just wish people would REALLY understand that they DO mean something to others, too ME. I sometimes feel like leaving myself, but I never do, so lets not EVEN go there!!

But logging on and finding my inbox empty is a great fear I have. I think won't log in for a while. I don't want to be down right now.....

elocutionist says: December 5th, 2008 at 09:53 AM

are both arrogant, and stupid.

(sent to me this morning. oh I'm all shook up!! )

I'm down. Really down. Everything seems to have gotten out of hand right now. I don't know what to think or believe about anything right now. I don't know how I feel. I just know I don't feel right, or happy, or even alive.I feel mixed up and I can't put my finger on what. I don't know,I sense there is something wrong. I get these fellings sometimes and I try to never ignore them. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something, something I should pay attention to. But what damnit! What?? This is when I need to stop, crawl into a safe place and wait it out, wait for whatever shoe that is going to drop, drop already!!!Maybe that's a good idea. I'll hole up someplace, take a long vacation, listen to the vibrations. Yeah.... that's what I need, space to think.Space to put the pieces back together in me that are pulling apart.

I saw this in the confessions today:

I had a child aborted 3 weeks ago. I am a horrible person for that. I feel shame, guilt and pain. Cry every day for what I have done

Anyone who read this and has an ounce of compassion and humanity in them, can feel the pain of this woman. Unfortunately there are those who take great pleasure in driving a knife into and already wounded heart.

What has me so angry is the assumptions many make. We don't know how or when she got pregnant. We don't know how far along she was or what the circumstances were,yet the high and mighty a -holes of EP had to jump right in and shovel manure on top of manure.

It was stated by one member, "if you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex" How simplistic can we get? While it is true that women procreate. We carry the burdon. Yes we carry the torch of humanity. However why is it assumed that WE are the ones that must live sexless lives if we don't wish to have a child? Is something missing here? Am I missing something? A man said that statement. How sexist can you be? WOMEN are to be chaste, not have a fullfilling sex life, because nature endowed us with a uterus? When are men like him going to realise THEY are half of the equation. Women have just as much right to have sex and enjoy everything a man does,and if we get pregnant by some fluke, the pill didn't work, the condom broke, WHY is it the womans fault? Was not a man there spilling his sperm into her? I think it's time men put it back in their pants if THEY don't want to be a father. Or have a vasectomy. Stop blaming women. The next thing you know, you will be moaning in the sexless marriage forums about how your wife won't let you touch her.

It's so true. I can't wear a belt without missing a belt loop somewhere. I always do. I wonder why there are belt loops back there where you can't see them anyway. It's a puzzle to me. I procrastinate too much as well. When did that start? I never used to be that way. I was always a take charge kind of woman. I got things done, fast, efficiently and with time to spare. Now I can't seem to remember what I had to do much less do it. And why can't I EVER remember where I put things when I have an exellent memory otherwise? Just give me facts and numbers and I'll remember them forever. I never forget. I can't remember to mail that package that's been sitting on my dining room table for weeks though!! That brings me to the other "problem" I have. My memory. I remember stupid facts, conversations that I had years ago, old telephone numbers, statistics about insignificant things,yet I have no recollection of who that guy was who said hi to me yesterday. Did he used to work for me? Was he an old schoolmate? A neighbor? Did I meet him at a party? It's so infuriating!!!

Well here I am home alone with just my buddy Toby. He's a lazy shit! He slepps way too much for a sheltie. I'm a little energetic Eskie! I wanna play! Letsee! I bet there is something around here interesting to get into. I always find something when she leaves me home. Searching...searching...BINGO! What's that? It looks like something special. I think I saw her rubbing it on her lips. It's red and gooey! Tastes like soap. The only reason I know that is because I tried to eat a bar of soap once. YUK! I was passing bubbles for hours!! Hmmm. I wonder if I just lick this...no..it doesn't taste any better.I'll just swallow it and be done with it! I don't think I left any stains on ther carpet.... did I?  GEE that would get me into trouble! I remember when I drank her cup of coffe and it gave me a tummy ache and I threw it up in the upstairs hall. I think the stain is still there a tiny bit. Now that I ate her....what did she call it? Oh yeah..lipstick... I think I'll look around. Oh look a funny looking tree with all these sparkley things on it! I bet they make nice toys .too!! Look! Funny round balls of glass. I hope they don't hurt like the disposable razor I tried to eat last month. Lucky for me I stopped just in time or I wouls have lost the tip of my tongue!!.. NAH! these things are no fun! I think I'll go knock the trash over again. There is always something in there!! Oh look a squirrel at the bird feeder.......!!!Toby!!!!!

I came here today feeling very happy and now I am down. I read stories and confessions, posted a bit and ....well I just feel anxious! I don't know if I should spend as much time here. Some of the shenanigans here have me shaking my head. Some of the people here have me wanting to strangle them. Others I would miss dearly. I do know that there are many good points to being here. I also see the egos and spats all too often. I think with the holidays coming up it would be a good time for a break.

Bah! Maybe it's just the rainy dark weather today that's depressing me!!

If you want it you can have it, but you gotta pay..

It  starts out innocently enough. "Hi how are you, your interesting" Then it goes lower and lower until it's nothing more than sex. No concern, no questions, no thank you. That is the majority of men on EP I hear from. NOT ALL, but enough to make me a hardened member. I'm not a prude. I like sex. I have it often. I don't want to talk about it exclusively with you. Tell me how your day is. Tell me something about you. Ask me a non sexual question. I'm friendly. Please don't ask me for nude pictures. Please don't expect me to go on and on with you. I know that's where the messages end. I won't have phone sex with you so, buh bye honey, found another EP woman who is eager to please me. Men are scumbags. No question in my mind. I need a break from this place. I'll let you know the women you can phone fuck.

I was all set to go to the gym to set up a work out schedule with a trainer, who is also a friend. She's agreed to give me all kinds of tips and pointers on getting fit and toned again. WELLLL... my goddamn car won't start!! This is the second time I had to cancell. Last week I got UTI! This week my car. I drove it Saturday all over the place. WHY today? Is the universe trying to tell me something? Do I need to hire an exorcist? Geez! I can't wait to see how much this will cost me. It's never inexpensive with a Porsche. 

It was vapor lock!! Can you believe it?? It's all good!!

I went to bed last night with an awful feeling in my ....er..... girl parts. I had that feeling once before many years ago. Yep! A urinary track infection. It came on like a ton of bricks and kept me up all night! I just HAD to pee, but then I'd run to the bathroom and ....nada...zippo... nothing! I couldn't go! I sat there and tried and tried. I imagine it's like an enlarged prostate in men. You gotta go, but can't. Then finally I would go a tiny bit and it hurt. So I'd go back to bed and curl up with my dog, and get up twenty minutes later to do it all over again. And so the night went. First thing I calledthe doctor. Yes it was confirmed after I gave them a urine sample. I had an infection. How?....where?....huh?....did I get it? I dunno!It just happened! Bacteria in my bladder! So here I am taking anti- biotics and .... still running to the twalette every half hour or so. Damn this feeling of having to pee constantly is anoying!!

I talk to my dog often. She doesn't always respond but she listens. Hell she stares intently as I talk to her, cocking her little head to one side and then the other. She blinks and yawns and sometimes runs up to kiss me. That's more than my husband. I don't think he has heard a word I have said in years. I have a much better chance of my dog listening and understanding. She tries, at least.

I've had conversations with her about all sorts of things. Her bladder control, the squirels, the rain, the mud, dinner preparation, shopping, (she really loved my new shoes). We discusses the dirty carpet once and what to do about it. There was one day that we even got the UPS guy in on the chat, but he is apparently afraid of 20 lb. dogs. Go figure!

So in spite of the fact that my husband can't be bothered to listen, but still asks in amazement, "did we always have that chair", I have an avid audience in my little pooch. She never once forgets where I put the dog chews! SHE never fails to notice  my new shoes . In fact she found three pairs last month. I couldn't wear them after ,but at least she noticed them!! And another thing, she never fails to notice when I have my hair done. She loves to smell the shampoo and hairspray when I get home. My husband never did that!

I don't need false friends. I need true friends. I don't need silence. I need words of encouragement and hope. I don't need endless critisizm. I need healing and for you to have faith in me. I don't need you to point out my shorcomings. I need you to accept me in spite of them. I don't need unsolicited advice. I need someone to listen and care. I don't need you to tell me I am not good enough. Perhaps you aren't good enough for me. I don't need you to leave just when it's stating to get interesting. I want you to be patient.

I want you to stop telling me what's wrong with me and look at what's wrong with you for a change. I want you to say you will be there and mean it. I want you to stop trying to change me.I want you to be honest and stop telling me I'm not. I want you to look beyond the visible and see the woman underneath. I want you to be a friend and not just say you are my friend. I want to believe you. I want you to stop running away. The next time you do will be the last.

I believe in change, that people can change. I believe in honesty, but not at the cost of crushing someones heart. I believe in people needing each other. I believe in chance meetings. I believe everyone comes into my life for a reason, for good or bad, to help me learn. I believe in something more than you and me and fate.I believe we can teach each other. I believe we can learn and go beyond our restrictions. I believe in you and me. I believe in love.

I joined the Experience Project to communicate with others like me, to learn new viewpoints and to write about my experiences. I contribute to EP. I have writen many stories and I have also deleted stories that I felt no longer expressed who I am as I am constantly growing and changing, evolving. The sad thing is, not everyone who joins participates in this way. I have seen many join just to troll the confessions and comment on others misery, often with hatefull or hurtfull remarks. These people never comntribute personal stories or experiences. They never reveal themselves or their inner souls as so many of us have. I would feel sorry for them, but that is leting them off easy.

Why do they join EP merely to insult and blast their opinions and rhetoric throughout the confessions? Ir's simple really, they are cowards. Most likely they are using a second profile to zing others with their tired and simple logic. Black and white logic with no room for gray areas. Simple comments and simple logic from simple people.

The fact is, it takes courage to share with others. It takes commitment and trust. You have to expose raw wounds sometimes and that's unsettling. These trolls don't have what it takes. They don't have the depth or raw guts to engage fully in EP. Just look at the profiles. No stories, no activity, no goals, few friends, but a lot of opinions! If they can't say something nasty they don't say anything at all. Cowards as I said hiding behind a facade that they create to keep their inner fears close to their hearts.Some of these would be psychologists, I say with a laugh, think they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. Dissagree with them and you are in for a barage of insults and venom hurled at you from the safety of their keyboard.Poor souls.

While the rest of us are sharing our lives and hopes and shortcomings, the confession bigmouths are scared of exposing themselves. Thay aren't half the people the rest of us are because we are able to participate fully. I usually ignore them and rarely read their comments anymore as they are so often the same old same old again and again. When they start to function as human beings and stop running away, maybe I'll listen. Until then they are the cowards of EP!

I meet with a trainer today!! I start on my intensive workout schedule to get back in shape after the past few months of hell. I'm going to work out every day about 1 and !/2 hours taking the weekends off. It's going to be tough because I have completely lost it in the past two months. I feel like crap!! The good news is, I am tough and resilient and will be pumping iron in record time. I can't wait. I have my mountain bike set up on a wind trainer, I have hand weights and my exersize ball for doing abs and chest exersizes, and the gym has the rest. So this will be hard, very hard at first, but with time I'll be in fighting shape again and ready to roll! I want to really show my endocrinologist I can do it when I go in for blood work in January!! I'm AM going to show him I  come from very tough genes. Wish me luck!!

The dog had to go out

The phone rang

There is someone at the door

I was hungry and made a sandwhich

I left to get a drink of water

I had to go to the bathroom because of all the water I drank

The laundry needed to be put in the clothes dryer

A package came from UPS and I had to open it

Another squirrel fell down the chimney

The dog wanted to come back in

I had to put the casserole in the oven

My battery died

My feet were cold and I left to get some socks

I burned dinner and the smoke detector went off.

and.....

I have benn sitting here for three days and started to reek of coffee and peanut butter sandwiches!

This sucks! This really sucks! I had the damn nasal sugery one month ago. Why do I still have a fat lip, puffy eyes, swollen generally around my cheeks and no feeling? I've had enough surgeries to know this is taking a very long time to heal! I've had my nose chiseled, the roof of my mouth opened up, my jaw operated on and screws inserted. Not all at the same time, but over the years. I have had more needles in me than a pin cushion. Once I had about fifty shots. I lost count but it was somewhere in that range. I guess I should be used to it by now. This time it is taking a really, long time to heal. Maybe my body just said, "Alright toots, you need to learn a lesson here. No more playing games sweetheart. This time you are gonna suffer!!"

The doctor assured me that I am doing fine. Why am I so anxious?? Why is this so frustrating? I want to socialize, go out, have fun! The way I look I'd frighten people. It's not that I'm horribly ugly right now, but when you look at me it obvious that something is not right about me face! You can't really tell what, but I look weird. I had a guy stare at me yesterday at the supermarket and this time I stared right back. I don't know what he was thinking, but I was not going to let him get away with it!!!I know in a matter of time I will be my old gorgeous (lol) self again, but in the mean time, I look like I was in a fight, an accident, have a birth defect or am just a weird looking chick! I'll go for the fight and tell them the other chick is much worse off than me!!

You Are A Relationship Rescuer! You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together
The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think.
You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule.
And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that

You Are 88% Interesting Believe it or not, you are a very fascinating person.
You're probably too busy being interesting to realize exactly how interesting you are.

You have a rich, full life. You are curious about the world, and you are very open to new experiences.
You have a lot to talk about, and people find you to be an amazing conversationalist.

And most importantly, you are truly interested in other people. How could anyone find that boring?
You truly listen and learn from others. You're not self absorbed or shallow.

I read something today that I had read before but had forgotten. It's a simple saying.

"No one HAS to love you!"

Those words are true. The truth is nobody really has to, and you only have to love yourself. While we all want love, to be loved, in love, give love, feel love, it isn't a given that we will have it. It wasn't promised to us the day we were born. Yet in our sometimes fragile egos,we expect it. We crave it and get upset when we don't have it. Why is it that most of us can't see that loving ourselves is more important than others loving us?

Yes I know you were a good friend. You kept me warm on many nights. You wrapped yourself around me and I felt your softness against my skin. I remember when I first saw you. I just had to have you. You were perfect. Everything I had been looking for. So goodlooking and warm and cuddly. I couldn't wait to bring you home. I took you to my bedroom and laid you on the bed while I stared at you. How could I have been so lucky to find such a treasure!! Such a fantastic compliment to my life. But times have changed. I don't need you any longer. I have found others, so many others in the years since. My friend, my beautiful friend, I need to let go. Tomorror I shall bring you to the Salvation Army and let someone else feel your warmth. My beautiful sweater. You served me well. Now serve another. Goodbye my friend!!

Bonnie had been experiencing kidney problems. She was 13 &1/2 years old after all. Pretty old for a dog. We had taken her to the vet for tests, left her over the weekend to have her blood flushed of the toxins that had built up and she had been ding pretty good alll week. Unfortunately, she had a relapse. She had a massive kidney infection. I had been giving her the antibiotics the vet gave me in hopes that once the invection clesred,she would regain some of her kidney function. At least enough to survive with a special diet. It was not to be. I called the vet and left her there for a blood test and the news was bad. Her little kidneys were too far gone to save her and she would only suffer a few more days or weeks until her body gave out. We had talked about it and decided that she should be put out of her misery. It was selfish of us to let her continue with no hope of recovery. I didn't want her to suffer just for my sake. No, sge deserved more from me considering all the love and devotion she gave me all these years. And a smart, sweet and attentive dog she was!

So I made arrangements to have "it" done at 5:OO. I called my husband and told him. He would meet me at the vet and be there to say a final good bye and give me support knowig how much I love that little dog. I arrived 20 minutes early.I wanted to sit outside in the sunshine with her and say a long goodbye. I wanted her to feel the sun on her face one more time. I needed to do that. As we sat on the front steps of the clinic and waited for "daddy", she panted nervously. I could just hear her if she could talk."Why aren't we going? I wanna go home!" At one point I sobbed and dropped her leash. As soon as she felt it go limp her weak little legs began taking her to the car. She was going home after all damnit!

My husband arrived finally and we went inside to the examining room where it would be taken care of. By now I was soaked with tears! My eyes were swollen and red and I didn't care who saw me. The assistant gently held Bonnies head as I sttod in front of her and stared into her small black eyes. "Take me home! I wannago home!" That's what they were pleading as they stared deep into mine." We will sweety, We will go home soon" I said.  I cried and touched her head. The drugs were administered and as I looked, her eyes fluttered and went blank in an instant. I felt the most horrible sense of betrayal over come me. I stared into her eyes and promised her we would go home... and I watched her die. I lied. She went home, but in a body bag. We burried her under a tree.